In 2010 after I gave birth to Khayr, my post partum blues were centered on the struggle to cope with the new experience being a mother -- the pain bit, the confinement rituals, and the breastfeeding challenges. I wrote briefly about it here.
I thought giving birth for the second time will not warrant me any post partum blues -- I was wrong. I would not want to admit and confess in public exactly what I felt and how I went through it, but yes I struggled with post-partum blues after I gave birth to Kazim. And it was not easy dealing with the feelings because I know I can be easily misunderstood as being a bad mother :( Plus I don’t want to influence readers who may happen to be expecting a second child, because as human, we tend to be affected easily especially if we can relate to the situation. Lagipun tak semua orang go through this kan, this is just my mere experience.
I would not say what I had was something serious, but it could have been worse. Alhamdulillah the situation was still under control, thanks to the support system I had -- my husband, my family, in laws, and friends.
Basically, the following situations gave rise to my depression after I gave birth to Kazim.
Giving birth for the second time means you already have certain sets of expectation. And somehow when those expectations are not met, it leads to frustration. Also, having an elder child, who was once a newborn also means you have a tendency to compare. For example, I could not appreciate why Kazim’s case of luak / muntah susu (reflux) was bad that his baju and my baju had to be changed every so often when I did not have to go through that situation with Khayr before. Kenapa masa Khayr dulu macam ni, masa Kazim macam tu blablabla -- something along that line you see… Well maybe I DID go through such difficulties but somehow I have forgotten it already. *saya hanya lah manusia biasa.. tsk*.
And in the beginning, we went through the struggle of making sure that Kazim gets enough milk from me because we did not want him to undergo that treatment thing for jaundice, the way Khayr had to.. :( Sedih ok tengok such an innocent, helpless fragile little baby only on pampers being put under that blue light thing.
Because Kazim was not supplemented with any formula milk in the beginning (like Khayr was -- because the hospital he was born at was not baby-friendly), we were shocked to learn that Kazim had this thing called 'urine crystal' which initially was mistakenly thought by us as blood in his urine. Apparently newborn babies who are being fed primarily on colostrum will often show this red colour thingy in their wet diapers. But the thing is, the urine crystals Kazim had continues even after the 4th or 5th day, which then means he was suffering from dehydration :(
So it left me in confusion as to why and how come that happened because I thought both Kazim and I, we kicked start well with breastfeeding bonding.
I had to then doubled my effort in making sure Kazim was clear from jaundice, and also from this urine crystals thing.....
For some reasons, my mom and MIL this time around did not take my confinement rituals seriously which confused me really, and yet they said things like “Ni kalau tak pantang betul2 ni nanti masa tua senang sakit”, “Ni kalau tak pakai barut ni confirm la perut buncit susah nak turun nanti, padahal anak baru dua”, and etc. Sigh. I was like, what?? They don’t mind me moving a lot, they are not bothered with me having my meal not on time, they forgot I need to bertungku, etc. and yet the way they said it, it was as if I asked for it. And it's not helping when they are the one who were once emphasized to me the importance of berpantang betul2 and of coz my mind has been well 'brain-washed' with all the aftermaths if tak berpantang betul2. Hmmm sedih. Tapi seriously tak paham kenape. Maybe masa first time dulu macam still excited kot so bila second time ni macam its ok everything should be ok, macam tu. Or maybe to give benefit of the doubt, perhaps diorang pun dah tak larat kan. Hmm looks like next time (if ever there is, and if it does, not in the nearest future.. haihhh kenape defensive pulak nih? haha.. ok sambung. tutup kurungan) I know what to do already. Hire a confinement lady it is then.
Having an active and curious elder child around means you can’t expect that much needed silence when you’re trying to put your baby to sleep. Also, you can’t apply that the-mother-should-sleep-when-the-baby-sleeps trick anymore. It’s like a vicious cycle you had to experience -- attend the need of yourself, then the baby’s need, then when the baby sleeps it’s the turn to attend the elder child’s needs, anddddd before you are able to have your rest, it’s back to attending the needs of the baby... -__-'
And of course there were other factors as well, like coping and adjusting to be parents of two. Kazim’s non-stop crying which was hard to be consoled. Khayr’s naughty doings just to get our attention. Our interrupted night sleeps, after so long having the un-interrupted ones. And all that.
Well thinking back not everything was bad for the 2nd time experience. I was lucky that though I had a normal delivery to a big baby (Kazim was born 3.55kg! and I did not take any epidural -- clap clap), I did not experience much delivery pain as compared to the first one. Punye lah tak sakit I think on the second day or so dah siap ter bersila dah (but of course cepat2 rapatkan kaki balik errrrk!! :P). And also, Kazim was very pro at latching so I did not have any problem establishing the start of my breastfeeding journey. As a result, I had a good start in preparing the EBM stocks. Plus, my effort paid off with Kazim being pronounced clear from jaundice within few days only -- he didn't have to go the treatment thing. PHEW!
So yes, not everything was bad. HO YEAH! =) And yes, the phrase ‘this too shall pass’ indeed true. I’ve survived once, and of course I’ve survived the second time around! ♥ ♥ ♥
Okie dokie.. here are some pictures masa confinement; i.e. Kazim's 1st and 2nd month of life :)
- macam biasa, dok counting down days to the end confinement :) -
- ber face-time dengan Khayr masa confinement at my parents' house -
- countdown jangan tak countdown... -
- the ♥ of my life -
- Kazim kalau senyum certain angle nampak macam dia ade dimple -
- Kazim's first outing, to see paed of course -