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Friday, 19 February 2010

The one with... postpartum depression and baby blues..

Well, the term 'depression' might be a bit too exaggerate of a word, but yes, I must admit that during the first week after I gave birth to baby Khayr, somehow at night I will feel quite emotional and will have my own crying episodes.. but thank God its not up until to the extend of losing interest on my own baby.

Though I've prepared mentally and physically (or so I thought..), life after having baby didn't start as smooth as I thought it would be. Dengan sakitnya and susah nak gerak, I felt so helpless not being able to even change Khayr's diapers and nursing him. And the feeling gets worsen seeing my mom or Kerol did that on Khayr, I felt so... envious.

The change of the body inside out also contributed to the whole blues feeling. I felt scared that I won't feel comfortable with my body the way I felt before... Rasa sakit.. Pastu rimas with the everyday routine -- mandi sekali sehari, kena mandi dengan air panas, tak boleh minum banyak2 at one go, berlemuih dengan mak nenek lulur and minyak ape ntah from NR, berbengkung all the time, bertungku, kena gerak slow, etc.. Rasa macam, ntah... sedih. Rasa macam diri ni selekeh and tak berdaya je.

And somehow God knows why suddenly I had this feeling that life won't be the same again.. It's like, out of nowhere I sobbed over the thought that I won't be able to enjoy life being berdua with Kerol, alone.. Rasa tak puas lagi hidup berdua.. Huhu silly me, I should have seen that coming when I was pregnant with Khayr.. Pastu somehow ntah macamane rasa macam Kerol dah kurang sayang dah kat diri nih.. Huhu.. :P

Then came about the confinement practice. Don't get me wrong, I enjoyed having visitors and guests around for it really made my day.. and it made time flies too.. But somehow I felt so rimas with all the differing opinions when it comes to the practice... And not to mention about Khayr's jaundice too.. Kasik air masak la.. Susu kambing la.. Mandi air sensei la.. Ada yang kata boleh.. Ada yang kata tak boleh.. Ni dah bawak Khayr check kat Naluri + government clinic, both of the blood test results revealed that Khayr is recovering from his jaundice.. *alhamdulillah* Last reading this morning was 11.2.. But his skin is still yellow in colour.. Doctors from both places cakap its because we bathed him with the herbs thingy we bought from kedai sensei.. They said doing that is like equivalent to dying Khayr's skin with yellow colour... *sigh* Sampai sekarang if ada orang datang, first thing mesti tegur "Eh... baby ni kuning niiii..."... Ermmmm tak suka nye dengar!! *tsk* Well to me one thing for sure, keep on giving him with breast milk.

Ok now breastfeeding is.... not easy in the beginning.. :'( Especially that Naluri is not quite baby-friendly when it comes to this. Khayr was fed with formula milk when he was first taken away from me for observation after I delivered him.. :( And the fact that my milk was not that much during the first few days didn't help either... Again, another factor contributing to the whole blues feeling I was having.. (-_-").. I welcome advices and opinions on what to do / eat to banyakkan susu badan, but please, don't say it in such a way to belittle my condition and effort. Just because it works on you, doesn't mean it works on me too... you get what I mean? But thank God sekarang ni even susu takde lah melimpah ruah untuk buat stock, at least it is sufficient enough to supply Khayr based on his demand.. And yes, I won't give up.. I will do whatever it takes to make sure I get to continue to breastfeed Khayr exclusively.. Minum air longan.. Minum horlicks.. Minum milo.. Makan pegaga.. Makan lobak putih... Jangan ambil jamu.. Berurut... Continuous direct feeding, especially at night.. you name it.

Well I bet this differing opinions thingy won't stop just here. It will still go on even later about how to raise the baby, what to use, what not to use, what to eat, what not to eat, what brand to buy and not to buy, yadda yadda yadda kan? Sigh.... I guess, jiwa kena kental -- listen to what others have to say, but take in only those that suits to our liking... no?

So basically those were how and what I felt during the several days post giving birth.. Thank God the feelings were only temporary... Sekarang dah tak sakit dah, and I feel much much better and refreshed now, and start getting used to the change in life and enjoying every moment of it.. :) Really looking forward to the end of 44 days of confinement period to go back to our own home sweet home and start our little family life on our own.. (29 days to go yaw!)

Thank you so so much both Mama and Kerol for being very supportive during the trying time.. Especially to Mama, for taking care of both me and Khayr.. *tsk* Sangat terharu. Tak habis lagi rasa appreciative in a whole lot of new level and insaf sangat2 thinking about pengorbanan Mama selama ni after I myself went through the labor pain and giving birth experience, perasaan tu bertambah2 pulak bila tengok how Mama takes care of me during this confinement period.. :'( Memang tak terbalas rasanye.... And to Kerol, for making sure everything is in place for both myself and Khayr.. Dengan kena berulang Keramat - Gombak, waking up at nights to be with me attending Khayr, pergi kerja, find some time to bring Khayr for check-up, and the list goes on.. I love you so much dear husband.. You've been such a wonderful husband to me and abah to our lil Khayr...

And to friends (you know who you are..) -- thank you also for words of comfort everytime I seek for solace and opinion.. And for visiting and gifts too! :)

Eh okie dokie Khayr dah start buat bunyi 'ehek ehek' dah now.. It's his feeding time..

Till later k~!

11 comments:

  1. congrats lilia...im not gonna give u any advice regarding bfeeding or pantang or all that coz i think ur getting loads but i just wanna tell u dun worry..it takes time to adjust to being a mother..u'll get use to it over time..just treasure the moments that u have now coz one day u'll wake up n suddenly realize that ur baby has grown up..n ur gonna miss these moments..

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  2. omg this post really hits home!exactly how i felt during my days of confining too.and the worst part was that zarir had to go back to kl.pfft. so yes,i was bawling my eyes out every ffing day for the first week..dgn busuk x mandinya, dgn sakit bfeedingnya,dgn makcik2 with bazillion of unwanted opinions nya adoii jadi lagi sakitt okk haha.but things got better as days passed and i can see the sun is starting to shine again on your side of the road too! and so so glad that khayr's getting better aminnnn.my hugs and kisses for the li'l darling now if you please..xoxo

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  3. oh wow! aku ingat aku sorg je having all that feeling masa a first few days after giving birth to my baby..rasa sedih melampau2 sbb rasa x puas lg hidup berdua dgn husband..rasa dia mesti x syg aku cm dulu..rasa selekeh & buruk nak mampos dgn mcm2 bau herbs sampai aku pernah suruh husband jgn balik cheras, duk gombak je..aku ingat aku je emo lebih2..

    hmm..glad to hear baby Khayr dah ok with his jaundice..masa baby Suri kena aritu, mcm2 gak advice org bg..tp bila bwk gi hosp, doc ckp, jgn bg mandi air sensei, jgn bg ajr masak, jgn jemur (sbb matahari skrg dah x mcm dulu), jgn bg susu kambing..just bg breast milk as much as i can..so itu lah yg aku buat..every 2 hours pump susu (masa tu susu x byk) utk make sure boleh supply to her demand..and alhamdulillah, after 3 days, dia OK. and now dah 100% ok.. :)

    and aku still depressed dgn breastfeeding ni :( aku x mampu nak supply to her demand dah skrg..dia dah besar & kuat menyusu..every 2-3hours mesti nak menyusu..and sekali meyusu 3 oz confirm abes..so dgn berat hati aku terpaksa cmpur jgk formula milk :( dah try mcm2, mkn mcm2..apa je org advice bleh tmbh susu aku akan buat..depressed gile..kdg2 time pump susu, air mata aku meleleh2 sbb x byk nye la yg kuar.. :(

    and, i agree with u pasal jiwa kental tu..skrg aku mcm dah x kisah org nak ckp apa..aku just iyekan je..awal2 dulu hati mesti panas je..and aku pon x sabar nak abeskan pantang ni..sbb aku nak enjoy mcm dulu..x kisah la ada anak kecik pon..aku nak make sure husband aku x kan aras terabai..aku still nak kuar dating berdua dgn dia..kesian dia..sepanjang aku dlm pantang ni, byk benda dia teringin buat (cth nye nak tgk avatar 3D) tp dia x sempat pon sbb byk benda nak urus..

    so, selamat meng"adjust"kan diri to both of u and me! xoxo

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  4. Lilia!

    I haven't congratulate you yet! Congratulations dear! And I sure need your help and advice when my time comes. So, either good or bad, keep on posting :)

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  5. oh..cant imagine myself cmana nanti.u r strong mummy ok.lucky still have mama yg sihat.betul..ubat plg bagus during confinement is full support from people ard u.take care lilia

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  6. dear lia, aku baca entry ni penuh emosi sbb its started dgn emosi tp nasib baik ending in +ve way. risau aku takut kau depressed lg ;)

    aku rasa smua org yg lalu confinement period mcm tu, so am i. sbb tu org kata kene sabar, bleh bawak ke meroyan. yela sbb mcm2 stress kan - nk pikir psl diri yg selekeh, susu xbyk, life berubah sbb tetiba jd 3 org. insyaAllah time will make u get use with it. so ur hubby.

    tu la, first time mom mmg keje jadik pekak sepekak2nya .. haha. boring dgn people around yg bg mcm2 advise. xpe la, kau ye kan jek, masuk telinga kanan kuar telinga kiri. mana yg bole accept kau try lah yek. rimas mmg rimas. anggap jek lah diorang tu caring :)

    hope khayr recovered from his jaundice asap. take care babe!

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  7. seronok dgr pengalaman kengkawan time dlm pantang...

    khayr elymran dh pandai senyum2 tak?

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  8. shaheera, -- thanks! haritu you ade call kan, so sorry tak return the call… was too overwhelmed with a lot of sms-es and calls, so in the end tak ingat sape yang i dah reply sms / return call, sape yang belum.. :P

    anyway, thanks for the advice.. that’s just so true!

    aimie, -- kan.. kan.. memang rasa busuk and selekeh.. huhu.. and all the unwanted opinions.. sheeshhh.. anyway, yup glad those days were over now.. (ade la sikit2 lagi, tapi, sikiiiiiiit je lah… :P).. dah kiss Khayr dah, dia tengah tidur.. :) xoxo.

    iyma, -- aku pun tak sangka sume pun go thru that phase.. aku ingat aku sorang je.. huhu..

    aku pun sama, siap segan ngan kerol sebab rasa dok berbau jamu nih… pastu sebab mandi skali je kan.. ngan berpeluhnye lagi musim panas nih.. adoiii laaa.. emo sungguh!

    anyway, bestnye Suri dah 100% recovered from jaundice.. Khayr nih still ade, but very very low. tak sabarnye nak dengar doc cakap “ok, baby awak dah fully recovered from jaundice!”.. huhu.. anyway, aku dah terbuat 2 benda yang doctor tak kasik buat –- dah kasik air masak and mandikan ngan air sensei.. ye lah kah, mak aku pun tatau ape.. tapi bila orang dok cakap2, especially families and relatives, ape lagi.. terpengaruh lah… aku ngan kerol pun terpaksa laaa redha kan.. takpelah, whats done is done.. just focus on what’s awaiting ahead..

    aku plak, alhamdulillah breastfeeding macam ok so far.. tapi tu lah, takde lah banyak.. cuma bila kasik Khayr tuh, dia nak lah direct feeding and can last him for at least 1 hour or max 3 hours.. dia tak nangis so we take it as cukup lah kot untuk dia.. though ada a bit worried coz orang cakap baby jaundice suka tidur.. so kadang2 kitorang terpaksa kejut dia soh bangun isap susu.. aku try nak fikir positif yang susu makin hari makin banyak, though ade sedikit doubt di situ.. but i’m trying my best to stay positive. so you’ll try to do that too ok! aku tau, its not easy.. but if really kalau ko dah ikhtiar and fight abes-abesan, then don’t be too hard on yourself k! lain orang lain nasibnye betul tak? so, cheer up!

    anyway, yup.. selamat go thru this adjusting period to us! ho yeah ho yeah. xoxo.

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  9. farina, -- thanks dear! will keep on posting whenever i have the time… and can’t wait to hear your experience too when the right time comes.. :)

    MyJinsei, -- thanks.. just go thru your time with an open mind k… :) eh btw bila you due ek?

    farah, -- dear farah, memang aku sangat1000x emosi untuk 1 minggu yang pertama.. tiap2 malam menangis ye.. :’( alhamdulillah skang dah ok.. sikit2 emo tuh takleh elak lah kan.. especially sebab still takleh bergerak bebas lagi..

    thanks for your words of comfort, i’ll be strong.. normally by saying to myself “if others can do this, why can’t i…”… antara orang2 yang masuk kategori ‘others’ tuh ialah ko.. :)

    yannie, -- tu lah kan.. ko nye pengalaman macamane ? anyway Khayr kadang2 kalau cakap2 ngan dia mesti ade buat memek muka yang macam2.. including sengih2.. suke sangat ! awwww… such a wonderful moment…

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  10. awww. I feel you dear! but my depression lain sikit. hahaha jd clingy ngn husband pastu naik meluat ngn my fil. I just cannot stand him membebel2 and etc. ish2 tak baiknya. neway will do one special post abt my post partum. muehehhe.

    u take care! bessnyaa dah nak habes pantang.

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  11. hi dear..last time visit ur blog tgk x de update pon lg..im waiting for ur blog juz to know how u adjusting urself with the new life..i told u dear..dlm pntang mmg kena byk2 bersabar..sume org pon merasa apa yg ko rase..bg yg dah melalui confinement period la..thats why aku warning ko awal2 harituh hehehe...coz aku rase ko pon cam aku..jenis yg emotional n expresive..its so normal okey...FYI wazif pon jaundice smpai sebulan..on the 30th day baru doc confirm dia 100% clear..aku sgt2 risau..yela nape la lama sgt kan..may be dia pon delivered ealier than EDD..Alhamdulillah ko dah emotionally stable sket..kite tau ape yg terbaik 4 our own baby..org lain ckp kite dga jela..kalu baik ikut la..kalu agk2 meragukan abaikan jela..jgn serabut2 okie..ur hormone is changing thus affecting ur mental stability...kejap nk nangis..kejap ok..besa la tu..hehehe..apreciate every moment with baby n hubby..coz nnt bile baby dah besar..tgk balik video rase mcm kejap nye dia dah besar..plus..x sume org dpt rase nikmat ni..especially those yg belum ade rezki nk dpt anak kan..we are very lucky kan...enjoy okie..

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