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Wednesday, 25 February 2009

The one with.. work affairs -- the love hate relationship..

I thought I have made my conscience crystal clear.. that I am a-OK to just stay at this level, earning the same salary level with the normal yearly salary increment & bonus of few months, and ‘enjoy’ the workloads put under my portfolio, for being at this level that is..

I mean, yes, its not perfect.. I can go further… higher. But at least suffice to say, work wise, I am already at the comfort level one could achieve.. You get to live your life once, so I choose not to live my life by just focusing on work.. I want to have a life outside work too.. You get what I mean? With higher position, come greater responsibilities. And that is something I don’t want, for now.

Yes, I was all sure with my decision.

Until I had the conversation with a colleague on Monday.

She threw me these mind-boggling questions:

  • How can you feel ok to see her (another colleague) being promoted earlier than you?

  • How can you have no passion to go further?

  • I don’t understand, how can you feel satisfied with whatever you have? Don’t you want for more?

Sigh. I know she meant well. And yeah she had a point there.

But truth to be told,

  • Yes, I AM NOT going to be ok to see her getting promoted earlier than me.

  • I have had my passion before, and now it just stops. Temporarily. For I have more passion and interest in the life outside work now.

  • You don’t have to understand, because it’s my decision. I choose my life. And I want to enjoy life. Work is work. Enough for me to make a decent living out of it. That’s it.

Well, I am still very sure with my decision. It’s just that I am so disturbed. I mean, not wanting to go further doesn’t mean I am not capable enough, doesn’t mean I am not skilful enough, doesn’t mean I am not technical savvy enough, doesn’t mean I am not successful enough right… no?

What’s wrong with me having other priorities in life? Not everyone is born rich and lucky. Not everyone gets to have every wants and needs in life. Everyone is born to make the right things in life, based on what and how that person was raised up and the surroundings around that person’s life. And what is right to me, is my own choice to make.

If I were to give a damn towards what people say, I might as well quit. But that would be stupid right? To quit just because I care too much on what other people say about me? Such a vain you say? No, it’s not about the matter of being vain.

It’s a matter of feeling like a complete failure.

Sigh.

I am not a failure. I know what I’m doing and I am damn good at what I’m doing. It’s just that I'd like to mind my own business and I hate to partake in office politics. And I definitely hate more responsibilities. I’d like to think that whatever I have on my shoulder now is already enough to bear. I don't want more responsibilities to jeopardize my life. I observe those with the higher position, on how they struggle to achieve work-life balance. Oh of course the perks is the ka-ching $$$, but still... our lifestyle goes up at the same rate corresponding to our income.. So at the end of the day, people will still complain, they have not enough money.

I don’t want to work in commercial or government for I don’t want to deal with the same issue year-in year-out. I find that working in consulting firm is better (not that I’ve worked else where before, this is my first job after I graduated.. so please excuse me ya friends with this statement of mine.. I say only okie?! =P), I get to deal with the different issues, different industries, different companies, different people etc within a year. Once one assignment is completed, I get to be in another assignment. I don’t have to sit in with the same issues all my life.

Oh well, I guess, after all to talk about quitting during this bad timing… that, is plain stupid. Already people talk about retrenchment, restructuring and cutting down number of people and working days and here I am talking about quitting? Heck no.

OK now I am not quite sure where are all these heading to.. But definitely I feel slightly better that I manage to let things out of my chest. For now. But that's that. I will deal with the dilemma once it comes to haunt me back again. I know it will. Coz trust me, being a Manager in my department.. is just different from any other.

Till later~*

11 comments:

  1. Lilia,

    Ikut kata hati u, it doesn't mean u sorang yg tk passionate. I've same experience, i push myself so hard to get higher position, yang mana responsibility pun banyak..
    Then i felt tired, coz myself tak ready utk semua tu.Pressure, stress..letih.
    Itu cerita i la...
    maybe bg org lain tk ada masalah
    Orang berbeza22

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  2. Hi,

    Exactly kan? By saying no to the next promotion doesn't mean that I am not passionate kan. Yup, not ready is also another factor. I am not mentally and physically ready... YET. I guess when the time comes, it just comes aite...

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  3. Biar lar apa org nak kata..we share the same opinion...and i've got the same experience too..dpt interview for promotion, tp x pegi..mls nak prepare..sumer org ckp, rugi x try, muda lagi masa ni la nak keje kuat2...oh ok..sbb muda lagi lar i want to enjoy my life, rather than focusing on work with so much responsibilities..

    x pe lia..biar la org nak kata apa...cuma ko kena ok kan diri tgk junior akan dpt higher position than u, one day...

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  4. aku pun jenis tak kisah ape org nak kate....and that applies to every single part of my life. tapi ade certain 'kata-kata' from those who care much about us adelah untuk melihat kita berjaya atau move out from the comfort level...hey ko kan dah berjaya and u live ur own great life...! biaselah tu benda2 mcm ni.....ignore je mane2 yang rase tak perlu. it's ur decision and u always hv ur own justification on that.not to please ppl n not to be judged, kan? ;)
    ...persetankan mereka!

    apekah kerepek ku ini.merepek.

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  5. xpe lia. yg penting kau ada duit & life, yg maybe junior kau tu xdpt. mesti keje dia makin menimbun sbb promoted kan?

    aku moved ke sini sbb duit (gaji lebih) & life (hubby), tp aku remain the same position (sepatutnye aku dah level senior eng dah skrg). yg penting duit & life mesti ada ... closely!

    walau apa pn, yg penting kita happy dgn apa yg kita ada. sbb kadang2 org lain xde apa yg kita ada ;)

    cheers.

    aku teringin nk lepak dgn kau sblm kau kawen :(

    ReplyDelete
  6. iyma,

    yeah, thanks for being understanding and supportive :) aku ni teruk betul kan, asyik dok pikir ape orang kate.. macamane nak jadik artis nih! hehehe.. anyway, i won’t be having any problems about junior going to be promoted for the higher position, coz that’s gonna happen, not until in the next 2 years time. so by then perhaps i myself dah being promoted, or maybe dah tukar kerja.. huhu.. the concern is more on the people of the same level.. of which cuma ada sorang dua saja.. direct comparison. oh well, i’ve made up my mind anyway.. so come what may it is…

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  7. adikku,

    you are back in the blogging world! welcome back sis! :) business tudung bila nak promote online nih???

    anyway, yeah.. i know you are tougher and more firm than me when it comes to what other people say.. i wish i can be like you… huhu.. tapi betul jugak apa ko cakap, kadang2 whatever that people say is actually to make you challenge yourself to the better kan.. but then, it’s all up to that person.. to live up the life based on what people say.. or based on what the heart wants. i choose the latter.

    (nyanyi sikit meh)

    so if i fail, if i succeed.. at least i live as i believe.. no matter what they take from me.. they can't take away my dignity.. because the greaaaaaatest love of all.. is happening to meeeee…

    :)

    merepek kerepek adalah dalam darah daging... :P

    ReplyDelete
  8. farah,
    true true… the happiest of people don’t necessarily have the best of everything, they just make the best of everything that comes along their way… :)

    rileks aku kawen lambat lagi (lambat la sangattttt hmmmphhh!!).. we will make sure we get to lepak together ok.. before ko deliver especially. ni dah dapat konci rumah ni.. buleh la lepak umah ko! :)

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  9. let ppl judge themselves all they want, incl ur bosses too..

    if u get it..u work towards it..

    if u dun get it..u again work towards it..

    dont hav to go all gung ho promising the world to ur bosses for the raise, but i dont think u shud alr hide b4 the war has started..

    work life balance? that they will nvr come till u leave the firm, or the ppl who runs ur dept leaves the firm la..

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  10. I've tendered from my existing co, friday baru2 ni. =) Sbb dapat offer yang lebih menarik hati. =P I pun tak tau nape keadaan ekonomi skrg ni, ramai gak yang tukar keje baru, termasuk i. =D

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  11. Joe,

    for this comment and the chat we had, thank you very much. for understanding. and for encouraging.

    aku,

    hi!

    oh is it, well if it works for you despite the current state of our economy.. that's good then :) congrats yeah? all the best kat tempat kerja baru nanti =)

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