Friday, 8 December 2006

The one with this concern of mine..

its 3pm and its raining outside.. i was doing this market research to support my financial analysis and its so difficult to find information on food emulsifiers (the industry my current client is operating in) until i decided to take a break.. i went for lunch with my colleague Joanne at Secret Recipe just now and we had this really good conversation.. its this thing about life, about love and relationship for that matter..

i shared with her how i always have this thought about the way i find its hard to express my feelings towards my loved ones.. especially family. as much as i’m close to mom, i find its hard to say that i love her and let her know that whatever i do, she’s always be put as top priority…as much as i’m having a good relationship with my siblings, i find it difficult to let them know that this eldest sister of theirs do really care.. as much as i’m physically and emotionally distant from dad, i find it almost impossible to utter the word love, let alone letting him know that i do concern about him.. as much as i’m aware that my grandparents love me so much, to the point my siblings used to get jealous by the attention opah and atuk showered me when i was a kid for i am their first grandchild, i find that i always fail to show that i am physically & emotionally care for them.. i just, dont know how to. i dont know about other people. but apparently Joanne is of the same view as mine. the same chain of thought to some extend. that gives me a bit of comfort though.

and as much as i am not being expressive enough, my action cant compensate that either.. i mean, i'm giving my best i could. tapi rase macam tak cukup. AND as much as i’m aware of all this, i still cant bring myself into being such an expressive person. one thing for sure, i know i am good with words when it comes to writings. i’m more than able to let my feelings out towards these important people in my life when it comes to sms-es, emails, cards, etc. but, i know, action is louder that words. *sigh* therefore this has been an increasing concern of mine. especially with opah and atuk getting older and older now they are so weak and start to be in a poor health state. is it because the way the family is brought up that i become like this? or is it me? and i am a self proclaimed sensitive and emotional. but why cant i express myself with action and words out loud? why its all limited to texts....?

and just how odds things can be, I suddenly received a forwarded email containing this:

I ran into stranger when he passed by,
“Oh excuse me please” was my reply.

He said, “Please excuse me too;
I wasn’t watching for you.”

We were very polite, this stranger and I.
We went on our way and we said goodbye.

But at home a different story is told,
How we treat our loved ones, young and old.

Later that day, cooking the evening meal,
My son stood beside me very still.

When I turned, I nearly knocked him down.
"Move out of the way," I said with a frown.

He walked away, his little heart broken.
I didn't realize how harshly I'd spoken.

While I lay awake in bed,
God's still small voice came to me and said,

"While dealing with a stranger,
common courtesy you use,
but the family you love, you seem to abuse.

Go and look on the kitchen floor,
You'll find some flowers there by the door.

Those are the flowers he brought for you.
He picked them himself: pink, yellow and blue.

He stood very quietly not to spoil the surprise,
you never saw the tears that filled his little eyes."

By this time, I felt very small,
And now my tears began to fall.

I quietly went and knelt by his bed;
"Wake up, little one, wake up," I said.

"Are these the flowers you picked for me?"
He smiled, "I found 'em, out by the tree.

I picked 'em because they're pretty like you.
I knew you'd like 'em, especially the blue."

I said, "Son, I'm very sorry for the way I acted today;
I shouldn't have yelled at you that way."
He said, "Oh, Mom, that's okay.
I love you anyway."

I said, "Son, I love you too,
and I do like the flowers, especially the blue."

Are you aware that if we died tomorrow, the company
that we are working for could easily replace us in
a matter of days.
But the family we left behind will feel the loss
for the rest of their lives.

And come to think of it, we pour ourselves more
into work than into our own family,
an unwise investment indeed,
don't you think?

So what is behind the story?

the above really gave me goosebumps.. *sigh* and that reminds me of this one quote from the movie Cinta that goes:

"kadang2 orang yang paling kita sayang lah, yang susah untuk kita sayang....".

i know i am learning to be more expressive, very hard. its very difficult but i just hope that its never too late.. and i'm counting on a mutual understanding from these people, that i do, and i mean i really2 do, love them and care about them so much.....and the same goes to my other loved ones - friends and the other half...

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